H: Did you know that 150% of home invasions are in a home?
M: … … Yeah, that checks out.


what time is it?

H: Oh, hey.

M: Hey.

H: What time is it?

M: 3:25

H: ‘kay, I’m going to finish this suplex then.

he’s got a taste

H: Make me a batch of gravy?
M: What are you going to put it on?
H: Nepal.
M: Nepal?
H: Mhmm.
M: Like, the country of Nepal?
H: Mhmm.
M: You want to put gravy on the entire country of Nepal… and then eat it?
H: Mhmm.
M: Huh. I didn’t know you were a cannibal.

sleep, the final frontier

H: Where did you go? You disappeared from sensors!
M: I went to the bathroom.
H: Communication was down, I couldn’t reach you!
M: Can’t I have some privacy while I pee…?

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Fuck You

(He’s sitting up in bed while asleep.)
M: Lay down babe.
H: Fuck you, Indiana Jones!
M: I’m sure he feels the same way about you.
H: Eject the proletariat.
M: ‘kay…

death by fridge

H: Get in the rowboat… or I’ll kill you with a fridge.
M: Nope.
H: Don’t be racist.
M: Nope.
H: Hm. Okay.

math IS hard

H: (whimpers and thrashes around)
M: (holds his hand) Hey, it’s okay. I’m here.
H: (in a whiny voice) Math is hard!