what the what?

H: (said right in my ear…) YES, WHAT IS THE ASSISTIVE TECH TOTAL OF THIS HOME?

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Indiana Jones and the Temple of Fuck You

(He’s sitting up in bed while asleep.)
M: Lay down babe.
H: Fuck you, Indiana Jones!
M: I’m sure he feels the same way about you.
H: Eject the proletariat.
M: ‘kay…


death by fridge

H: Get in the rowboat… or I’ll kill you with a fridge.
M: Nope.
H: Don’t be racist.
M: Nope.
H: Hm. Okay.


math IS hard

H: (whimpers and thrashes around)
M: (holds his hand) Hey, it’s okay. I’m here.
H: (in a whiny voice) Math is hard!


home security system

H: I know what happened.
M: What?
H: He tried to go around the side, but the mailbox ate him.
M: Intense.
H: It’s okay, he’s a terrorist.


he who

H: He hunts for blood…
M: Who?
H: He has to have it…
M: Who??
H: The great Satan…Steve.


snax

(I’m up watching television and he’s been sleeping for a couple of hours. He comes stumbling out of the bedroom and walks straight into the kitchen. I hear him open the fridge and start eating Jello right out of the pan.)

M: Hey babe, whatcha doin’?
H: I’m in here.
M: Yes, you are. What are you doing? Eating Jello?
H: (mouth full) No.
M: Are you sure…?
H: No.
M: Are you eating the Jello?
H: Maybe…