he’s got a taste

H: Make me a batch of gravy?
M: What are you going to put it on?
H: Nepal.
M: Nepal?
H: Mhmm.
M: Like, the country of Nepal?
H: Mhmm.
M: You want to put gravy on the entire country of Nepal… and then eat it?
H: Mhmm.
M: Huh. I didn’t know you were a cannibal.

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snax

(I’m up watching television and he’s been sleeping for a couple of hours. He comes stumbling out of the bedroom and walks straight into the kitchen. I hear him open the fridge and start eating Jello right out of the pan.)

M: Hey babe, whatcha doin’?
H: I’m in here.
M: Yes, you are. What are you doing? Eating Jello?
H: (mouth full) No.
M: Are you sure…?
H: No.
M: Are you eating the Jello?
H: Maybe…


emergency sandwich

H: No! Don’t go in that door…gunfire…pinned down…get me a sandwich instead…


pants-hate

H: It’s obvious you don’t like these pants — you threw your cereal on them!


baby, cheese…same diff

H: We gotta go get in the car so we can go to Mexico.
M: But I don’t want to go to Mexico.
H: We gotta buy a baby. They’re cheap down there. Or some cheese, either one.
M: Cheese?
H: (like he’s explaining something obvious to a stupid person) To melt…


apology

H: Sorry I stole your picnic basket.
M: That’s… okay?


the devil’s milk

H: Is that you Satan?
M: … Yeah?
H: You owe me $3.
M: For what?!
H: Milk.