he likes it!

H: I didn’t have to kill him to get away…but I did…and I liked it…


death by fridge

H: Get in the rowboat… or I’ll kill you with a fridge.
M: Nope.
H: Don’t be racist.
M: Nope.
H: Hm. Okay.

rebecca, you’ve been warned.

H: I’m going to kill her.
M: Who?!
H: Rebecca.
M: Huh? Who’s Rebecca?
H: She stole my shoes.

vampire hunter!

M: Babe, you should lay down.
H: How am I supposed to hunt vampires on my back?
M: I dunno, you can do a lot of things on your back.
H: Ah, you’re one of them. You’re a vampire. Don’t worry. I won’t kill you now OHWAITYESIWILL.
M: … … I’m still alive….
H: (snores)

the drowning door

H: Is that the door?
M: Nope. It’s my phone.
H: It’s a door to the ocean.
M: …
H: I’m gonna take it with me to work and drown someone.
M: Already?
H: You wanna go to the beach with me?
M: Uh… No.


H: (while patting my face) Shh, shh…
M: What?
H: Don’t wake Beth up.
M: Why not?
H: She’ll get angry and shoot you.
M: Why?
H: Craaaazy…
M: (eyeroll)

the hunter

M: Whatcha doing babe?
H: Get me a spear.
M: Why?
H: I need to hunt that pig.
M: So we can have bacon tomorrow?
H: (indecipherable mumbling)
M: Okay… you should lay down now.
H: It’s a trap.
M: What is?
H: You’re gonna put it on your blog.
M: Yeah, but you should still lay down.
H: (angry-sounding mumbling about strawberry cupcakes)