other people’s mothers

H: (busily gathering my blanket and all pillows under his own blanket)
M: Whatcha doin’, babe?
H: I’m going to steal the skin off your body.
M: You kiss your mother with that mouth?
H: No. I kiss other people’s mothers.
M: …
H: Not on the mouth, though.
M: I think I need an adult.

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jesus

H: Oh Jesus! It’s a swamp ghost! Oh, it’s just Jesus. (amused tone of voice) Oh Jesus, you’re so weird. Jesus, you my dawg.


ham

H: Stop eating all the ham!
M: But… ham is delicious.
H: It’s not kosher.
M: It’s still delicious.
H: Jesus is an un-kosher culinary delight.


transformers

H: Ow, Grimlock! You should be with Megatron. I’ll buy you a bundt cake and you can fuck each other.
M: I don’t think that’s what you’re supposed to do with bundt cake…
H: You have to make it. With shortening. And a pan.
M: Sounds complicated.
H: Back up! Back up or I’ll have to hurt you! How you got in charge here, I don’t know…